RL update, writing, 2nd beta request...
A long overdue update…
So yes I’ve buried myself under a veil of depression. A while back I posted about my client Dorothy. I’ve been with her for almost 10 years. Since January she’s been in/out of the hospital and rehabilitation center, to having full time care at home after she was diagnosed terminal and signed on with Hospice for at home care. I’m done some of the care; otherwise I remained errand girl and did the shopping. After her sister left, I’d stop by after work to visit for a minute. Steadily her condition decreased. Last month, she stopped paying me – between not being mentally aware and physically unable to write a check. Though the financial loss wasn’t easy, at the same time I really wasn’t doing much other than shopping and visiting. It was inevitable just sooner than I expected.
So, Dorothy had 2 care givers who stayed with her in shifts 24/7, a nurse from hospice and me that would visit. Though things weren’t great I had hoped she’d be okay for her birthday last week. However her awareness slipped and she stopped eating. Over the past week I’ve been going over nearly every day and sitting with her. In the beginning, she was in/out of awareness and would hold my hand. Now, she’s completely out of it and they’re just making her comfortable with morphine every 2 hours. Tuesday was the last day I saw her. I had planned to sit with her, but I couldn’t stay long. She’s in pain and fighting everything even while she’s unconscious as it’s evident on her face – there is no peaceful rest. It’s too painful to watch. She hasn’t passed away yet (both her care givers promised they’d call me when she does) and I’m debating whether I’ll stop by today or just call later today. I’m sure it’ll be something I’ll decide at the last minute.
Fact is, I’ve already said my good-byes, and she did as well. On Monday, when she was still in and out, she held my hand and seemed to know who I was. Before I left she told me she loved me and said good-bye. It was the first time she had said good-bye me since she had reached that level, so in my mind, part of her knew what was happening.
Anyhoo, for months I’ve been depressed trying not to let it get to me – in the last couple of weeks – this past week! I’ve failed miserably and let everything go. The apartment is a mess, my laundry has piled up, my car inside and out is a disaster to the circles under my eyes, lack of restful sleep (though nowhere near true insomnia), breaking out on my face, and my weight is out of control. In others my emotions are reflected in my physical appearence and residence.
Yesterday I had a job interview for a couple of new clients- which yay! It wasn’t horrible, but it also wasn’t great. Although it was an eye-opener, in that I had a sense and an awareness of how I presented myself- I wasn’t pleased with the image. I might be a bit hard on myself, yet what I saw wasn’t how I wanted to represent myself… all I can say is I want – need to make some changes. Maybe it wasn’t the interview per sec, but cumulative feelings after sitting with Dorothy. Of being in this cocoon of watching someone die slowly – of caring a lot more than I was consciously aware of. Regardless, I feel like I broke through this wall though not out of the room, its progress.
My sanity has been saved, by rl friends, my other clients who knew about the situation and even fandom- in particular my DA artist,![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dollarformyname. Though I let everything else slide; why I’m pushing myself to write this in an attempt to pick up the pieces again especially for slashing_lorne, where I let everyone down and have been a horrible Mod (Mom) that’s neglected her baby. Mainly and foremost by not opening my mouth to let people know what’s going on *sigh*
Although I ignored and shied away from everyone fandom wise, I did cling and continued to write my DA bigbang. And to be honest if my artist wasn’t so awesome by personally cheering me on and showing me some of her rough drafts that literally blew me away – it’s horrible to say, but I probably would have let it slide like I did everything else. However her drafts and enthusiastic fb, kept me going where I continued to plug away that now it’s actually done and with a beta.
I signed up for so many bigbangs – because I had a story/idea, but mainly to keep my mind off of other RL things that were out of my control. For me it’s one of the best things about fandom to channel my feelings, but somewhere along the way I lost my muse to keep me in check and balance things out. So I honestly have no idea what I’m going to sink my teeth into. I will open and plug away on whatever I signed up for, but I’m not going stress myself out if my muse isn’t there. For example: my SPN muse is mensa mensa. Promises Kept stalled out at 10k, it was more angst than I could handle right (when I was working on it for SPN_J2_bigbang, so I dropped it for now). Same with continuing John’s story; I want to write it, but right it’s too much.
I did finish my Dark Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer piece. It’s Alec/Spike, NC-17 at 23.2k. It’s with my beta. I did lose a beta so if anyone is interested – would have time to read it as a 2nd beta with a quick turnaround. My posting date is next week on the 17th, so I would need it back before that. No worries, if not +)
However let me give you a heads up - once it’s posted everyone definitely should take the time to check out and leave fb on the awesome art, I’m beyond excited what my artist did- so yummy!!! Even if you’re not interested in reading the fic, the art is yum YUM YUM!!!! \o/
On the horizon:
Leverage: OT3
CW RPS: Chad/Chris 2 different pieces, BestBudsverse, werewolf!dateverse
Lotrips: Aloha
SGA: Lorne/Sheppard, werewolfverse
SGA: Lorne/Ronon, leather pants
SGA/Leverage: Lorne/Eliot continues Across the Universe
DA/SPN: Dean/Logan (pre-pulse in DA)
Kink bigbang: I have 2 ideas DA: Alec/Joshua, a knotting fic or CW RPS: Jeff/Jensen a prequel to Preparation
Okay, now I’m off to do and cross off, a couple of other things on my list then get my ass to work.
Sending lots of ♥ & hugs out to every single person on my flist, be well :)
So yes I’ve buried myself under a veil of depression. A while back I posted about my client Dorothy. I’ve been with her for almost 10 years. Since January she’s been in/out of the hospital and rehabilitation center, to having full time care at home after she was diagnosed terminal and signed on with Hospice for at home care. I’m done some of the care; otherwise I remained errand girl and did the shopping. After her sister left, I’d stop by after work to visit for a minute. Steadily her condition decreased. Last month, she stopped paying me – between not being mentally aware and physically unable to write a check. Though the financial loss wasn’t easy, at the same time I really wasn’t doing much other than shopping and visiting. It was inevitable just sooner than I expected.
So, Dorothy had 2 care givers who stayed with her in shifts 24/7, a nurse from hospice and me that would visit. Though things weren’t great I had hoped she’d be okay for her birthday last week. However her awareness slipped and she stopped eating. Over the past week I’ve been going over nearly every day and sitting with her. In the beginning, she was in/out of awareness and would hold my hand. Now, she’s completely out of it and they’re just making her comfortable with morphine every 2 hours. Tuesday was the last day I saw her. I had planned to sit with her, but I couldn’t stay long. She’s in pain and fighting everything even while she’s unconscious as it’s evident on her face – there is no peaceful rest. It’s too painful to watch. She hasn’t passed away yet (both her care givers promised they’d call me when she does) and I’m debating whether I’ll stop by today or just call later today. I’m sure it’ll be something I’ll decide at the last minute.
Fact is, I’ve already said my good-byes, and she did as well. On Monday, when she was still in and out, she held my hand and seemed to know who I was. Before I left she told me she loved me and said good-bye. It was the first time she had said good-bye me since she had reached that level, so in my mind, part of her knew what was happening.
Anyhoo, for months I’ve been depressed trying not to let it get to me – in the last couple of weeks – this past week! I’ve failed miserably and let everything go. The apartment is a mess, my laundry has piled up, my car inside and out is a disaster to the circles under my eyes, lack of restful sleep (though nowhere near true insomnia), breaking out on my face, and my weight is out of control. In others my emotions are reflected in my physical appearence and residence.
Yesterday I had a job interview for a couple of new clients- which yay! It wasn’t horrible, but it also wasn’t great. Although it was an eye-opener, in that I had a sense and an awareness of how I presented myself- I wasn’t pleased with the image. I might be a bit hard on myself, yet what I saw wasn’t how I wanted to represent myself… all I can say is I want – need to make some changes. Maybe it wasn’t the interview per sec, but cumulative feelings after sitting with Dorothy. Of being in this cocoon of watching someone die slowly – of caring a lot more than I was consciously aware of. Regardless, I feel like I broke through this wall though not out of the room, its progress.
My sanity has been saved, by rl friends, my other clients who knew about the situation and even fandom- in particular my DA artist,
dollarformyname. Though I let everything else slide; why I’m pushing myself to write this in an attempt to pick up the pieces again especially for slashing_lorne, where I let everyone down and have been a horrible Mod (Mom) that’s neglected her baby. Mainly and foremost by not opening my mouth to let people know what’s going on *sigh*Although I ignored and shied away from everyone fandom wise, I did cling and continued to write my DA bigbang. And to be honest if my artist wasn’t so awesome by personally cheering me on and showing me some of her rough drafts that literally blew me away – it’s horrible to say, but I probably would have let it slide like I did everything else. However her drafts and enthusiastic fb, kept me going where I continued to plug away that now it’s actually done and with a beta.
I signed up for so many bigbangs – because I had a story/idea, but mainly to keep my mind off of other RL things that were out of my control. For me it’s one of the best things about fandom to channel my feelings, but somewhere along the way I lost my muse to keep me in check and balance things out. So I honestly have no idea what I’m going to sink my teeth into. I will open and plug away on whatever I signed up for, but I’m not going stress myself out if my muse isn’t there. For example: my SPN muse is mensa mensa. Promises Kept stalled out at 10k, it was more angst than I could handle right (when I was working on it for SPN_J2_bigbang, so I dropped it for now). Same with continuing John’s story; I want to write it, but right it’s too much.
I did finish my Dark Angel/Buffy the Vampire Slayer piece. It’s Alec/Spike, NC-17 at 23.2k. It’s with my beta. I did lose a beta so if anyone is interested – would have time to read it as a 2nd beta with a quick turnaround. My posting date is next week on the 17th, so I would need it back before that. No worries, if not +)
However let me give you a heads up - once it’s posted everyone definitely should take the time to check out and leave fb on the awesome art, I’m beyond excited what my artist did- so yummy!!! Even if you’re not interested in reading the fic, the art is yum YUM YUM!!!! \o/
On the horizon:
Leverage: OT3
CW RPS: Chad/Chris 2 different pieces, BestBudsverse, werewolf!dateverse
Lotrips: Aloha
SGA: Lorne/Sheppard, werewolfverse
SGA: Lorne/Ronon, leather pants
SGA/Leverage: Lorne/Eliot continues Across the Universe
DA/SPN: Dean/Logan (pre-pulse in DA)
Kink bigbang: I have 2 ideas DA: Alec/Joshua, a knotting fic or CW RPS: Jeff/Jensen a prequel to Preparation
Okay, now I’m off to do and cross off, a couple of other things on my list then get my ass to work.
Sending lots of ♥ & hugs out to every single person on my flist, be well :)