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denyceMorning *waves*
RL
So this month has been a whirlwind. Prior to vacation it started with Easter. I got an early call & txt to call dad as soon as I got up. I still had my old phone (a lemon, it stopped ringing ages ago) anyhoo I didn’t see the message until 9 when I looked at it (was scheduled to go over for breakfast at 10). I call and initially he wanted me to come over earlier to set up the Easter egg hunt for the kids as Yolanda (the live-in girlfriend) had a family emergency and had to leave early. So I quickly got dressed and headed over expecting to hear more. Turns out she had already set up the eggs before she left, going over to her daughters.
I get there and dad repeats the same what he already told me on the phone then states he’s not allowed to tell anyone. The man has no tact as he repeats and tells everyone the same tagging it “I’m not allowed to talk about it”
Two things dad has no finesse and frankly (not that I need or want details, but it kind of hurt to be labeled I’m not family) after I’ve had to endure and include her in mine. Also this wasn’t the first time; her younger brother had a heart attack. I didn’t know until long after the fact. I like her and especially his wife Lil, we really get along. It’s not that I could have done much – other than offer them my friendship, to maybe help out in some way (ie: cleaning, errands or something). It was so after the fact there was nothing – then this, a very defined line that I’m not family.
IDK, IMHO you can (& people do) can tell you what’s going on without being explicit in details, you know be vague!
It bothered me because I was (had been) expected to accept her & her family immediately & I did! So yeah it pissed me off, but I was also very worried! Since she had gone to her daughters, I thought something had happened there more specifically to her grandson 1.5 yr old Stephan who is a sweetie pie!
I got no answers Easter or in the following days. Thankfully I had work and getting ready for vacation (& then my own anxiety over that.) I was going to Texas to specially visit with my aunt Judy. I didn’t see her in CT and haven’t seen her since mom died. By the phone chats, I could tell she wanted to talk about mom – not surface stuff but rather the whole Oprah thing of digging deeper. Something I was leery of.
Anyhoo, Tuesday a client cancelled at the last minute so I bit the bullet and went in to upgrade my phone. A couple of hours later I was home finishing up my packing (flight out was the next day, early in the morning). I talked to another aunt for an hour or so – she helped me through all the family anxiety I was feeling. Then my dad called- and told me briefly what happened, Yolanda unexpectedly lost her middle son Chad (28 or 29 yrs old).
On one hand I felt so grateful that it wasn’t Stephan, but then so bad/guilty for my pissy anger. I offered what I could, as they were in the process of having the body brought up here (We’re in N Ca and Chad lived southern Ca). I only met him once that 1st Thanksgiving, and although he wasn’t here knowing how close the family was, well I had a lot of empathy for their loss and wanted to do anything I could to support them.
However there was nothing I could do for them or dad, other than let them know that and be there for them when I got back.
I left for Texas early Wednesday morning and arrived there 11ish their time. Texas was greener than I thought it’d be. My aunt lives outside of Dallas in North Richland Hills, a nice area where nearly every house was brick. We didn’t go and do much as I wanted to spend most of my time visiting with her.
Me & what I did most of the time – nothing but chill!
Any anxiety I felt melted away (as it usually does once you face it). Friday we went around to garage sales & later did some shopping. Saturday we went to Fort Worth’s 30th Main Street Art Festival, http://www.mainstreetartsfest.org/ the art was outstanding from all over the country the only negative was how seriously expensive everything was. The cheapest thing I saw was small leather purses for $69. Everything else was higher into the thousands. I’d go again, but it’d be just a, ‘let’s walk around and have a ‘look & see’ kind of thing.
Sunday night we went to the Stagecoach. My aunt and her husband John go there every Sunday to dance. She loves dancing and he loves loves country music – they’re a cute couple.
Although it was for their age group 60+ it was still a lot of fun. It also motivated me to (at some point) learn how to two-step, something I’m looking into ;)
Monday was my last day before flying out. Overall I had a good time and would really enjoy going back.
Coming back was all about getting back into work while losing my fight with a sinus cold, sigh.
Yolanda’s family had the funeral that week, but I was not invited (or any other outsiders). Yolanda and her family still hadn’t said anything to outsiders and dad was still not to tell anyone. I don’t know it’s become a weird situation. That weekend I did nothing but rest due to the sinus cold.
The following week, was busy, with work then weekend plans of going to a memorial in Oakland put on by a small group honoring my grandmother and her friend Sara - they passed away a week apart, end of Jan/Feb.
Anyhoo my world tilted, on Friday when I got a call from a shelter on my brother’s behalf. He was released and they didn’t have any beds available, asking if he could stay with me… I told them no, that I couldn’t, we don’t help each other etc I just couldn’t go down that road again. I even talked to my brother and told him so O.O
However when I got home right after I picked up my mail, he pulls up gets out of the car and stands there expectantly. Telling someone over the phone to go be homeless is easier than doing so to their face o.O Yes, he’s here.
The good he got his job back (full time) they really love ‘im.
Saturday was spent going to Good Will & Marshalls for clothes. He only had what he was wearing and the sweats had holes in the ass *shakes head* we only went to Marshalls because Good Will didn’t have any men’s underwear. There and later at the grocery store I got pissed because he’s SO entitled. At Marshalls I immediately went to the clearance section, he went to regular price and pouted when he saw me holding briefs at $2 pair in favor for the 6.99 boxers he liked o.O seriously? Then later at grocery store shopping nearly $30 later- the thing that pissed me off was everything he bought, was gone within 3 days. There was no cutting back financially, but also more than half was bad for him health wise. It’s just extra money I don’t have, plus the pickiness and entitlement he kept displaying instead of being gracious he not out on the streets really irked me.
Sunday was the memorial, and I haven’t seen dad since Easter, and Yolanda even longer. Again nothing was said, and everything was like let’s pretend everything is A okay. After the memorial, I met Yolanda and most of her family for dinner. Everything about Chad is all hush hush. I have no idea if this is normal for some families, or if it’s because Chad committed suicide or what… The whole thing is hard and makes me feel beyond weird & like an outsider & grieving for a troubled man no one is talking about, like he never existed, it hurts in such a way I can’t even articulate.
I did get a chance to tell dad about my brother – his response was: “I did what did for him, for your mother. I’m done. You can call me and tell me what he wants out of storage and I’ll get it for you.” Meaning I’m in the middle, what the hell?
Over the next week/weekend – Jeff is stretching my limits, by not cleaning/picking up after himself (& though his habits are the same as when we lived together previously- back then I guess I got used to them where it didn’t let it bother me - probably because he was paying rent. Now it bugs me a lot! But I’m trying to be supportive and encouraging for him to move on.
I did say he needed to pay me $50 a week and also repay me for the initial shopping (clothes/food totaling $100. as he got back on his feet).
Into the 2nd week and yeah I already wanted him out. Thankfully a co-worker of his, found out he could rent a room – same place her son lives. So on Sunday she picked him up and they were gone for four hours. I had my fingers-crossed. When he got back I asked how it went and he stops, stares at me then does into this a whole BIG production on how ‘rough’ it was (dirty etc). I didn’t say much other than it was better than being homeless and that it’d be a great motivator to find other place, asap. Besides, I don’t think it could have been that bad, as her son lived there and she spent over 3 hours there visiting. A few days later, he supposedly lost the keys. I finally got it; it was obvious he was going to force me to take drastic measures.
I love him, but he’s so frigging entitled, and I honestly don’t get that. We were raised in the same household, IDEK, but the whole thing is beyond STRESSING!!!! Plus the reality, it does break my heart and he knows it and uses it against me.
It’s also interfering with my muse, and with my computer time. I have to have everything locked down with passwords so he doesn’t have access. But my computer -where I usually write- is located in my office (the guess room) where he is – and he’s in there ALL the time. His job is M-F, so the weekends he’s in there, a lot. Even when he wasn’t in the room he was still HERE!!! I do have a laptop, but I’m not great with getting into the right headspace to write. I’m not exactly comfortable to write porn with him around – SIGH!!!
So after getting some encouragement from my aunt & landing a house-sitting job over Memorial weekend, I gave him a deadline, the Friday of Memorial weekend. That’d give him, 3 full pay checks under his belt. I backed it up by telling him I would change the locks because sadly I didn’t trust him.
He heard me, but it went in one ear and out the other. The weekend before because things were going to be crazy for me between house-sitting and work etc that once I left Friday morning I wasn’t coming back and that he had to figure out where he was going to go. By this point I didn’t care. He did had paid me once, but even after a couple of reminders, that’s all I got.
On the 19th, I had just stopped at 7-11 on my way to work I saw I had a missed voicemail from Jean one of my clients. Listening to it, it was her daughter asking if she could take her mom’s slot since her mom passed away o.O seriously? I know I’m the help, but really she already knew that I had been with her mom awhile and was close to her for nearly four years. In fact, I was there the previous Tuesday & as it turns out I was the last one to see her. She had died that night (thankfully in her sleep). Her daughter was out of town and didn’t find her until Sunday :(
It really messed me up, but I am thankful she died the way she did quick and quiet in her sleep - and that day was a gift, as we spent most of the day together and she even cooked, made us lunch & I did the clean up. Jean, my friend you will be greatly missed!
Wednesday I had off, and yay I followed through and had the locks changed. I also had my hair done, cut highlights. Not exactly what I wanted because it actually looks like I had nothing done – extremely conservative. Anyhoo, later that night when I got home, as he had to wait for me to let him in - I asked him if he figured out where he was staying, he told me he was renting the room and that it’d be ready that Friday.
Friday morning he took some things and made arrangements to meet back at my place Saturday when I got off of work to collect the rest. Friday night after work, was going to Julies to house-sit, shower and change since I was meeting dad and Yolanda for dinner/play night. I got there a pitch late, but he surprised me with this:
IDEK, all I can say is he can be very obtuse. I do appreciate the sentiment. Obviously it was something mom had for years and had it hanging in the hall for years. However in the move in 2012, the glass broke and the frame was damaged. So he had it reframed. I guess it’s just the timing. I literally just kicked my brother out and you’re giving me this? I just felt weird, I’d rather of had more of my mother’s jewelry, but that’s never going to happen *sigh*
Saturday I worked, afterward I spent time with the dog before meeting my brother to pick of the last of his things. He had also worked and was scheduled to work Monday as well. I offered him the airbed, and any other amenities that I had extra of; he declined and left only food. Stating he wasn’t sure on the kitchen situation. It was a red flag and I missed it.
Anyhoo I thought things were left on a good note. I told him I loved him and would continue to support him (just not financially). To use this as a stepping stone to move up and that since he didn’t start smoking again would end up having an easier time getting somewhere else. Since he didn’t pay me and didn’t go back to smoking with 3 ½ pay checks he should have had just over a grand if not more.
Sunday I had off, but met with friends at the Warehouse in Port Costa to see Square One play. I stayed for a few hours before heading back. Monday I was suppose to go over to a clients for a couple of hours (initially it was any time, but she changed her mind) so it left me the day free to do laundry and watched a marathon of S2 Defiance. Ended up interesting enough I think I want to watch S1.
I got home at 10 that night. The next day started off with phone calls from the sheriff’s department asking the whereabouts of my brother? Apparently he ditched his ankle monitor and took off - a take the money and run. So he’s burned his job, the people there who have bent over backwards to help him. He knows where I stand, dad, IDEK the whole things is just SO messed up. Now he’s on the run, with no meds. Although physically he’s better, though not really and still has issues that will get complicated quickly without meds. At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever see or hear from him again – the up he writes me when they find and arrest him – the down I’m contacted because they find him dead – or for better or worse, I just never know and it hangs in limbo. I know I did everything I could I know that but apparently it doesn’t matter as he’s on this destructive path. As frustrating and filled with stress as this entire month has been dealing with him I did have some hope that he would start taking care of himself.
Now I’m just trying to make it through the week then get my place and mind back into shape. Although I feel things are different as I’ve let go – he’s in control of where he’s going/doing. I feel like I’m grieving all over again – this time it’s for the brother I will never have. It hurts and breaks my heart because I love him, will always love him – sadly it doesn’t make a difference.
However I have come to the conclusion I AM a survivor! I will get through this, and I am determined to thrive!
The following week thru to May 31
So I got through last week including taking on Alison Jean’s daughter for a new client. It’s temporary, but supposedly through the summer. Not an easily job, but I am so broke!! So no complaints here! Over the weekend I wallowed and threw myself in fic. Had been working on a SPN/TW. It was actually longer going into angst rather than porn and I wanted to post for SMPC’s open invite for their 2nd anniversary. However I didn’t make it in time, I guess needed to join previously and allow time to be added in order to post instead of waiting at the last minute the day of- yeah I didn’t think ahead. I was too focused on cutting out the angst to keep it just porn, I probably should have waited and just let it sit and allow myself to keep it organic *shrugs* What can you do maybe I’ll write more of them as I do find them very HOT!!!
The rest of the week was lighter. Dad texted me an invite for dinner, to meet at a pizza place Wed night which I agreed. On Tuesday my client came home earlier so I was still there. Her daughter Kiera, 6, was sent home sick with an eye infection. She was stressing about missing work since she had to stay home the next day. I offer to shuffle clients because it was a light week and babysit if she wanted. She took me up on the offer so I got to spend the day playing and watching TinkerBell movies on Netflix. We were going to go to the park, but had to wait for groceries that never came (she mistakenly put in the wrong date). So when she got home they didn’t have much and were going to go out – I invited them to join us, thinking it wouldn’t be a problem as dad always invites people without ever informing me. So once I get there discover it’s a group Yolanda and her kids along with dad, a family night? IDK, but it was awkward! Enough that Kim offered to sit by themselves, she and Kiera did sit with us and frankly I was happy because I had someone to talk to. Whereas if she wasn’t there I’d sit smile and listen to them talk (dad talk). We don’t engage so its never fun for me. Previously Yolanda and I would talk a bit, but since her son died, she spends her time and attention on her grandson and basically ignores everyone else.
To make things worse, dad decides to tell me he’s going to get rid of the storage with my brother’s things because he’s done. I get that, but it always pisses me off that he decides to corner me tell me something like this in a public setting. I don’t give a shit that its public, but I always feel sucker punched and it pushes my buttons and I react negatively. I pretty sure my tone of voice was not lost on him as I stated flat out that I would pony up the money so I can have time to go through his things. I’m not ready or willing to just let him chuck donate everything away. Jeff has papers, photos etc – and some other things I’ll take & probably use. I don’t think the situation will change, but if by some miracle it did, I want him to have whatever I take. Besides if I don’t o no one else will. Dad may be done, and disconnect himself with people (& this is no surprise as he’s done this with his daughter and his twin sister…) However this is not me, I will never pretend Jeff doesn’t exist that I don’t have a brother- through all of this regardless of the pain, he’s my brother and I love him beyond anything he’s done.
Anyways this put me back into foul mood and spent most of the weekend wallowing again, trying to *shake it off* BUT I will!! This week workwise will be long and tiring. I moved things around so I could go to Jean's memorial on Friday, so yeah. On top of that its heating up, might hit triple digits today, maybe I'll take a dip in the pool later ^_^
Okay I gotta blaze and get my ass to work. My next post will be fandom based on what projects I’m currently working on *smooches*
RL
So this month has been a whirlwind. Prior to vacation it started with Easter. I got an early call & txt to call dad as soon as I got up. I still had my old phone (a lemon, it stopped ringing ages ago) anyhoo I didn’t see the message until 9 when I looked at it (was scheduled to go over for breakfast at 10). I call and initially he wanted me to come over earlier to set up the Easter egg hunt for the kids as Yolanda (the live-in girlfriend) had a family emergency and had to leave early. So I quickly got dressed and headed over expecting to hear more. Turns out she had already set up the eggs before she left, going over to her daughters.
I get there and dad repeats the same what he already told me on the phone then states he’s not allowed to tell anyone. The man has no tact as he repeats and tells everyone the same tagging it “I’m not allowed to talk about it”
Two things dad has no finesse and frankly (not that I need or want details, but it kind of hurt to be labeled I’m not family) after I’ve had to endure and include her in mine. Also this wasn’t the first time; her younger brother had a heart attack. I didn’t know until long after the fact. I like her and especially his wife Lil, we really get along. It’s not that I could have done much – other than offer them my friendship, to maybe help out in some way (ie: cleaning, errands or something). It was so after the fact there was nothing – then this, a very defined line that I’m not family.
IDK, IMHO you can (& people do) can tell you what’s going on without being explicit in details, you know be vague!
It bothered me because I was (had been) expected to accept her & her family immediately & I did! So yeah it pissed me off, but I was also very worried! Since she had gone to her daughters, I thought something had happened there more specifically to her grandson 1.5 yr old Stephan who is a sweetie pie!
I got no answers Easter or in the following days. Thankfully I had work and getting ready for vacation (& then my own anxiety over that.) I was going to Texas to specially visit with my aunt Judy. I didn’t see her in CT and haven’t seen her since mom died. By the phone chats, I could tell she wanted to talk about mom – not surface stuff but rather the whole Oprah thing of digging deeper. Something I was leery of.
Anyhoo, Tuesday a client cancelled at the last minute so I bit the bullet and went in to upgrade my phone. A couple of hours later I was home finishing up my packing (flight out was the next day, early in the morning). I talked to another aunt for an hour or so – she helped me through all the family anxiety I was feeling. Then my dad called- and told me briefly what happened, Yolanda unexpectedly lost her middle son Chad (28 or 29 yrs old).
On one hand I felt so grateful that it wasn’t Stephan, but then so bad/guilty for my pissy anger. I offered what I could, as they were in the process of having the body brought up here (We’re in N Ca and Chad lived southern Ca). I only met him once that 1st Thanksgiving, and although he wasn’t here knowing how close the family was, well I had a lot of empathy for their loss and wanted to do anything I could to support them.
However there was nothing I could do for them or dad, other than let them know that and be there for them when I got back.
I left for Texas early Wednesday morning and arrived there 11ish their time. Texas was greener than I thought it’d be. My aunt lives outside of Dallas in North Richland Hills, a nice area where nearly every house was brick. We didn’t go and do much as I wanted to spend most of my time visiting with her.
Me & what I did most of the time – nothing but chill!
Any anxiety I felt melted away (as it usually does once you face it). Friday we went around to garage sales & later did some shopping. Saturday we went to Fort Worth’s 30th Main Street Art Festival, http://www.mainstreetartsfest.org/ the art was outstanding from all over the country the only negative was how seriously expensive everything was. The cheapest thing I saw was small leather purses for $69. Everything else was higher into the thousands. I’d go again, but it’d be just a, ‘let’s walk around and have a ‘look & see’ kind of thing.
Sunday night we went to the Stagecoach. My aunt and her husband John go there every Sunday to dance. She loves dancing and he loves loves country music – they’re a cute couple.
Although it was for their age group 60+ it was still a lot of fun. It also motivated me to (at some point) learn how to two-step, something I’m looking into ;)Monday was my last day before flying out. Overall I had a good time and would really enjoy going back.
Coming back was all about getting back into work while losing my fight with a sinus cold, sigh.
Yolanda’s family had the funeral that week, but I was not invited (or any other outsiders). Yolanda and her family still hadn’t said anything to outsiders and dad was still not to tell anyone. I don’t know it’s become a weird situation. That weekend I did nothing but rest due to the sinus cold.
The following week, was busy, with work then weekend plans of going to a memorial in Oakland put on by a small group honoring my grandmother and her friend Sara - they passed away a week apart, end of Jan/Feb.
Anyhoo my world tilted, on Friday when I got a call from a shelter on my brother’s behalf. He was released and they didn’t have any beds available, asking if he could stay with me… I told them no, that I couldn’t, we don’t help each other etc I just couldn’t go down that road again. I even talked to my brother and told him so O.O
However when I got home right after I picked up my mail, he pulls up gets out of the car and stands there expectantly. Telling someone over the phone to go be homeless is easier than doing so to their face o.O Yes, he’s here.
The good he got his job back (full time) they really love ‘im.
Saturday was spent going to Good Will & Marshalls for clothes. He only had what he was wearing and the sweats had holes in the ass *shakes head* we only went to Marshalls because Good Will didn’t have any men’s underwear. There and later at the grocery store I got pissed because he’s SO entitled. At Marshalls I immediately went to the clearance section, he went to regular price and pouted when he saw me holding briefs at $2 pair in favor for the 6.99 boxers he liked o.O seriously? Then later at grocery store shopping nearly $30 later- the thing that pissed me off was everything he bought, was gone within 3 days. There was no cutting back financially, but also more than half was bad for him health wise. It’s just extra money I don’t have, plus the pickiness and entitlement he kept displaying instead of being gracious he not out on the streets really irked me.
Sunday was the memorial, and I haven’t seen dad since Easter, and Yolanda even longer. Again nothing was said, and everything was like let’s pretend everything is A okay. After the memorial, I met Yolanda and most of her family for dinner. Everything about Chad is all hush hush. I have no idea if this is normal for some families, or if it’s because Chad committed suicide or what… The whole thing is hard and makes me feel beyond weird & like an outsider & grieving for a troubled man no one is talking about, like he never existed, it hurts in such a way I can’t even articulate.
I did get a chance to tell dad about my brother – his response was: “I did what did for him, for your mother. I’m done. You can call me and tell me what he wants out of storage and I’ll get it for you.” Meaning I’m in the middle, what the hell?
Over the next week/weekend – Jeff is stretching my limits, by not cleaning/picking up after himself (& though his habits are the same as when we lived together previously- back then I guess I got used to them where it didn’t let it bother me - probably because he was paying rent. Now it bugs me a lot! But I’m trying to be supportive and encouraging for him to move on.
I did say he needed to pay me $50 a week and also repay me for the initial shopping (clothes/food totaling $100. as he got back on his feet).
Into the 2nd week and yeah I already wanted him out. Thankfully a co-worker of his, found out he could rent a room – same place her son lives. So on Sunday she picked him up and they were gone for four hours. I had my fingers-crossed. When he got back I asked how it went and he stops, stares at me then does into this a whole BIG production on how ‘rough’ it was (dirty etc). I didn’t say much other than it was better than being homeless and that it’d be a great motivator to find other place, asap. Besides, I don’t think it could have been that bad, as her son lived there and she spent over 3 hours there visiting. A few days later, he supposedly lost the keys. I finally got it; it was obvious he was going to force me to take drastic measures.
I love him, but he’s so frigging entitled, and I honestly don’t get that. We were raised in the same household, IDEK, but the whole thing is beyond STRESSING!!!! Plus the reality, it does break my heart and he knows it and uses it against me.
It’s also interfering with my muse, and with my computer time. I have to have everything locked down with passwords so he doesn’t have access. But my computer -where I usually write- is located in my office (the guess room) where he is – and he’s in there ALL the time. His job is M-F, so the weekends he’s in there, a lot. Even when he wasn’t in the room he was still HERE!!! I do have a laptop, but I’m not great with getting into the right headspace to write. I’m not exactly comfortable to write porn with him around – SIGH!!!
So after getting some encouragement from my aunt & landing a house-sitting job over Memorial weekend, I gave him a deadline, the Friday of Memorial weekend. That’d give him, 3 full pay checks under his belt. I backed it up by telling him I would change the locks because sadly I didn’t trust him.
He heard me, but it went in one ear and out the other. The weekend before because things were going to be crazy for me between house-sitting and work etc that once I left Friday morning I wasn’t coming back and that he had to figure out where he was going to go. By this point I didn’t care. He did had paid me once, but even after a couple of reminders, that’s all I got.
On the 19th, I had just stopped at 7-11 on my way to work I saw I had a missed voicemail from Jean one of my clients. Listening to it, it was her daughter asking if she could take her mom’s slot since her mom passed away o.O seriously? I know I’m the help, but really she already knew that I had been with her mom awhile and was close to her for nearly four years. In fact, I was there the previous Tuesday & as it turns out I was the last one to see her. She had died that night (thankfully in her sleep). Her daughter was out of town and didn’t find her until Sunday :(
It really messed me up, but I am thankful she died the way she did quick and quiet in her sleep - and that day was a gift, as we spent most of the day together and she even cooked, made us lunch & I did the clean up. Jean, my friend you will be greatly missed!
Wednesday I had off, and yay I followed through and had the locks changed. I also had my hair done, cut highlights. Not exactly what I wanted because it actually looks like I had nothing done – extremely conservative. Anyhoo, later that night when I got home, as he had to wait for me to let him in - I asked him if he figured out where he was staying, he told me he was renting the room and that it’d be ready that Friday.
Friday morning he took some things and made arrangements to meet back at my place Saturday when I got off of work to collect the rest. Friday night after work, was going to Julies to house-sit, shower and change since I was meeting dad and Yolanda for dinner/play night. I got there a pitch late, but he surprised me with this:
IDEK, all I can say is he can be very obtuse. I do appreciate the sentiment. Obviously it was something mom had for years and had it hanging in the hall for years. However in the move in 2012, the glass broke and the frame was damaged. So he had it reframed. I guess it’s just the timing. I literally just kicked my brother out and you’re giving me this? I just felt weird, I’d rather of had more of my mother’s jewelry, but that’s never going to happen *sigh*
Saturday I worked, afterward I spent time with the dog before meeting my brother to pick of the last of his things. He had also worked and was scheduled to work Monday as well. I offered him the airbed, and any other amenities that I had extra of; he declined and left only food. Stating he wasn’t sure on the kitchen situation. It was a red flag and I missed it.
Anyhoo I thought things were left on a good note. I told him I loved him and would continue to support him (just not financially). To use this as a stepping stone to move up and that since he didn’t start smoking again would end up having an easier time getting somewhere else. Since he didn’t pay me and didn’t go back to smoking with 3 ½ pay checks he should have had just over a grand if not more.
Sunday I had off, but met with friends at the Warehouse in Port Costa to see Square One play. I stayed for a few hours before heading back. Monday I was suppose to go over to a clients for a couple of hours (initially it was any time, but she changed her mind) so it left me the day free to do laundry and watched a marathon of S2 Defiance. Ended up interesting enough I think I want to watch S1.
I got home at 10 that night. The next day started off with phone calls from the sheriff’s department asking the whereabouts of my brother? Apparently he ditched his ankle monitor and took off - a take the money and run. So he’s burned his job, the people there who have bent over backwards to help him. He knows where I stand, dad, IDEK the whole things is just SO messed up. Now he’s on the run, with no meds. Although physically he’s better, though not really and still has issues that will get complicated quickly without meds. At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever see or hear from him again – the up he writes me when they find and arrest him – the down I’m contacted because they find him dead – or for better or worse, I just never know and it hangs in limbo. I know I did everything I could I know that but apparently it doesn’t matter as he’s on this destructive path. As frustrating and filled with stress as this entire month has been dealing with him I did have some hope that he would start taking care of himself.
Now I’m just trying to make it through the week then get my place and mind back into shape. Although I feel things are different as I’ve let go – he’s in control of where he’s going/doing. I feel like I’m grieving all over again – this time it’s for the brother I will never have. It hurts and breaks my heart because I love him, will always love him – sadly it doesn’t make a difference.
However I have come to the conclusion I AM a survivor! I will get through this, and I am determined to thrive!
The following week thru to May 31
So I got through last week including taking on Alison Jean’s daughter for a new client. It’s temporary, but supposedly through the summer. Not an easily job, but I am so broke!! So no complaints here! Over the weekend I wallowed and threw myself in fic. Had been working on a SPN/TW. It was actually longer going into angst rather than porn and I wanted to post for SMPC’s open invite for their 2nd anniversary. However I didn’t make it in time, I guess needed to join previously and allow time to be added in order to post instead of waiting at the last minute the day of- yeah I didn’t think ahead. I was too focused on cutting out the angst to keep it just porn, I probably should have waited and just let it sit and allow myself to keep it organic *shrugs* What can you do maybe I’ll write more of them as I do find them very HOT!!!
The rest of the week was lighter. Dad texted me an invite for dinner, to meet at a pizza place Wed night which I agreed. On Tuesday my client came home earlier so I was still there. Her daughter Kiera, 6, was sent home sick with an eye infection. She was stressing about missing work since she had to stay home the next day. I offer to shuffle clients because it was a light week and babysit if she wanted. She took me up on the offer so I got to spend the day playing and watching TinkerBell movies on Netflix. We were going to go to the park, but had to wait for groceries that never came (she mistakenly put in the wrong date). So when she got home they didn’t have much and were going to go out – I invited them to join us, thinking it wouldn’t be a problem as dad always invites people without ever informing me. So once I get there discover it’s a group Yolanda and her kids along with dad, a family night? IDK, but it was awkward! Enough that Kim offered to sit by themselves, she and Kiera did sit with us and frankly I was happy because I had someone to talk to. Whereas if she wasn’t there I’d sit smile and listen to them talk (dad talk). We don’t engage so its never fun for me. Previously Yolanda and I would talk a bit, but since her son died, she spends her time and attention on her grandson and basically ignores everyone else.
To make things worse, dad decides to tell me he’s going to get rid of the storage with my brother’s things because he’s done. I get that, but it always pisses me off that he decides to corner me tell me something like this in a public setting. I don’t give a shit that its public, but I always feel sucker punched and it pushes my buttons and I react negatively. I pretty sure my tone of voice was not lost on him as I stated flat out that I would pony up the money so I can have time to go through his things. I’m not ready or willing to just let him chuck donate everything away. Jeff has papers, photos etc – and some other things I’ll take & probably use. I don’t think the situation will change, but if by some miracle it did, I want him to have whatever I take. Besides if I don’t o no one else will. Dad may be done, and disconnect himself with people (& this is no surprise as he’s done this with his daughter and his twin sister…) However this is not me, I will never pretend Jeff doesn’t exist that I don’t have a brother- through all of this regardless of the pain, he’s my brother and I love him beyond anything he’s done.
Anyways this put me back into foul mood and spent most of the weekend wallowing again, trying to *shake it off* BUT I will!! This week workwise will be long and tiring. I moved things around so I could go to Jean's memorial on Friday, so yeah. On top of that its heating up, might hit triple digits today, maybe I'll take a dip in the pool later ^_^
Okay I gotta blaze and get my ass to work. My next post will be fandom based on what projects I’m currently working on *smooches*